[Hello, Church fans! It’s been a busy last part of the summer. but it looks like I am back in the blog saddle again. Here is the text of this week’s missive.]
It is one of the most uncomfortable situations there is. Someone, maybe even a spouse, relative or close friend, does something that is very hurtful. The worst part is that they may not even realize it. What do you do?
One option is that you can sit there and stew in your resentment. The only problem is that resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Resentment turns into bitterness and bitterness turns into anger. Anger can turn into separation and separation can end relationships. So, option one is not a good one, unless you want to be bitter, angry and lonely for the rest of eternity.
Another option is to get passive aggressive and get back at them by doing or not doing something to make their life a little more difficult. The problem here is that escalation makes for a conflicted situation which is just miserable. Passive aggression is never a good option…ever.
A more perfect option is the one that Our Lord proposes in today’s gospel: If your brother sins against you go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have won over your brother (Mt. 18:15). This seems simple enough, but there are better ways to do this than others.
Here is one way that works almost every time. Use the following formula: “When you…I feel…because…” For example, “Honey, when you leave your dishes in the sink, I feel irritated because I need to use the sink and I can’t until I have I clean all of your mess out of the sink first.”
The beauty of the “When you…I feel…because…” is that it focuses the attention on the behavior, not the person. You love the person, it’s the behavior that is driving you nuts.
In my own experience, the “When you…I feel…because…” works at least 90% of the time. Most of the time, the other party is completely unaware that they have offended. More often than I care to admit, I have been on the receiving end of a “When you…I feel…because…” But in truth, I appreciate that the other party cares enough about me to let me know my offense. I shows me they value our relationship enough to work to resolve the conflict.
Conflict is part of life. Whether it leads to deeper communion or greater separation depends entirely on how charitably we decide to deal with it.