Hey, Church fans! Happy Valentine’s Day!
What could a celibate priest possibly know about marriage? Quite a bit more than you think. I’ve been watching you folks for 30 years now. Sort of like the Offensive Coordinator up in the press box. I can see things that may not be apparent on the field. Here is today’s musings. As always, you can catch the whole Mass here or just the homily on our YouTube Channel.
Sometimes the readings match up with what is going on outside the liturgy and sometimes they don’t. This is a weekend when they don’t. In society and even in the Church is it Valentine’s Day and the culmination of Celebrate Marriage Week. It is important that we celebrate marriage, the union-body and soul–between one man and one woman, especially Christian Marriage.
A quick comment on the gospel
Jesus enters into the reality of the leper
Makes himself unclean
The irony is that he now cannot move about freely.
What Jesus touches, he transforms
So it was for the leper
So it was when he went to the wedding of his friends in Cana
So today, I’m going to talk about
– the essential properties and the fruits of marriage,
– the five stages of marriage
– a bit about the reality of separation and divorce
Married love is different than other kinds of love
I have six sisters, and I love them all. I’m not going to marry one of them.
I have brother and I love him…like a brother.
I love my mom, not going to marry her.
No, married love is unique and the sacrament of marriage is something special.
As understood by the Church, marriage has two essential properties and three characteristics or “fruits.”
The essential properties of marriage are unity and indissolubility. The three fruits of marriage are permanence, fidelity and fecundity, i.e., it is “life-giving.”
Unity: Marriage is the total gift of the self, body and soul, to one’s spouse.
All that I am I give to you
Without reservation, without condition.
To do so, you have to know:
1. yourself, inside out and backwards.
You can’t give away what you don’t have.
2. your intended spouse, inside out and backwards.
You should never give yourself away without great deliberation.
3. the nature of the relationship in which your are giving yourselves to each other.
Second essential property of marriage is Indissolubility:
A a valid marriage is permanent, lasting until death. Jesus said, “What God has joined, let no one divide.” (Mk 10:9) It’s important to keep this in mind while preparing. Marriage is not something to do on a whim. But if a couple is well-prepared, then they can enjoy the fruits of marriage.
And then there are three characteristics of fruits of marriage. Permanence, fidelity, and fecundity.
Permanence—this gives the relationship the stability that allows the couple the freedom to love imperfectly. They do not have to fear that the relationship will end because they made a bone-headed mistake. Thus, it also allows them to love completely, without reservation or condition.
Fidelity—gives the couple a sense of gratitude and reverence for the other. Reverence in this sense is to be ‘prayerfully attentive to the other.’ The faithful spouse looks to the good of the relationship and the needs of the other, even anticipating these needs. Eventually, they are so tuned into each other that they begin to finish each other’s sentences.
Fecundity—Love by its very nature creates. So it is for God, and so it is for the couple who “co-create” with God. We are talking a love so intense in its physical expression that nine months later, you may have to give it a name! Every decision in marriage, no matter how seemingly mundane, can be discerned by asking whether or not it is life-giving physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
When we see how you love each other in good times and in bad in sickness and in health, we get just a little glimpse of what it means for God to love us.
To often, I think we look for signs of God’s love in the strange, the exotic.
But we don’t have to do that,
I can look at any well-married couple and say, Look at them. See how they love each other…That’s what’s I’m talking about.
It’s not easy.
The fives stages of marriage:
1. Marital Bliss
2. Disillusionment
When you realize that all of your shortcomings and character flaws,
….AND THOSE OF YOUR SPOUSE…
Don’t suddenly go away just because you got married.
The truth is sometimes a very sobering thing.
But it is never a bad thing.
3. Sheer exhaustion – “kenosis“
When one or both parties are physically, emotionally, or spiritually exhausted.
It is not necessarily anybody’s fault,
It could be an illness, a financial crisis, a natural disaster.
Characterized by a lack of feeling.
“I don’t feel like I love you.”
No kidding, you can’t feel anything, let alone affection for your spouse.
4. Reconciliation
The rebuilding of the relationship in a way that you could not imagine before.
5. Deeper covenantal love.
In this way, we can see how a good marriage truly is a reflection of the paschal mystery.
1. Humanity was in a state of “original bliss.”
2. The illusions were stripped away
3. The relationship was in crisis
4. in the fullness of time, Christ came and all creation was reconciled to the Father.
5. Our relationship with God now is much deeper and more intimate than it was in the Garden.
Incidentally, this is where the Moonie’s theology falls flat.
They wish to return to the Garden.
Just like couples who are in crisis will often say, “I just want to go back to the way it was when we first got married.
“I’ll always answer, “Why? That was unsustainable. God has something much more profound in store for you.”
In my experience, every relationship redefines itself about every 7 years through this process.
Healthy relationships get deeper and more intimate
Unhealthy relationships will either go into suspended animation for another seven or will fail at that point.
Which brings me to a word about separation, divorce and declarations of nullity, commonly called annulments.
The sad reality is that, often through no fault of their own, a person will find themselves separated or divorced.
There are a number of reasons for this.
There are no good divorces.
There are necessary divorces.
But no good ones.
As mentioned before, in a good marriage, here is someone who knows all of your vulnerabilities and honors them.
Too often in divorce, we see that here is someone who knows all of your vulnerabilities
And is willing to exploit them.
There are not good divorces.
There are necessary divorces, but no good ones.
When this happens in our midst, we need to recognize the pain and the suffering that comes with such a state of affairs
We, as Christian are called to accompany those who suffer such pain.
It is at this time, that they and their children need their Church more than ever.
Now, there is heresy out there that if someone is simply separated or divorced, they can’t come to communion.
All things being equal, nothing could be farther from the truth.
Do not believe this lie.
The only time that becomes an issue is if someone enters into another relationship
And is living with someone to whom they are not married
Or has gotten married outside the Church.
If a divorced person does find someone special with whom they wish to get married.
In order to be sure that they are free to do so, they can petition the Archbishop for a declaration of nullity.
We will investigate previous attempted marriage to see if it was valid. If not, then we issue a decree of Nullity and they are free to marry
The Irish have a wonderful expression: “May the love of God warm your heart like a great fire, so that a friend may come and warm himself there.” A good marriage is life-giving well beyond the relationship of the couple and their family. It enlivens the neighborhood, the community and the whole of society.
It is not easy
And not every marriage succeeds.
But it is so worth it, even to try.
Society needs good marriages.
We need to defend, preserve and celebrate marriage any way we can.
For those of you who are married or have been married, thank you. May your witness to God’s love inspire us all to strive for such self-sacrifice.